The Elephant In the Room

T minus days until deployment and I can feel the stress level building. Nit-picky little things that in an ordinary life would be glossed over but everything feels magnified and it seems all at once that I am annoyed, frustrated and filled with aggravation. Deep down, though, I know what it is and must admit to myself at how much I resent his leaving.

I am surprised by this admission. I know what I was getting into when I married him. You don't just marry a soldier, you marry the army. Those commercials were true -- it's not just a job, it's an adventure. I'd go one further and add it's a way of life too. Almost everything we do is because of the army. I joke that there should be a job description for spouses so we really know what we're getting into.

I think the resentment comes from that we will not even have been married one year before he leaves. No first anniversary together let alone my birthday. By the time that rolls around, we’ll be counting the days until he’s home and not how long he’s been gone.

Maybe too, the resentment comes from not being able to do anything about it. I am surprised at friends who can’t figure out why the deployment for a year doesn’t bother me. What am I supposed to do? Cry? Stamp my feet? Ground him and tell him he can’t go? I would if I could but I can’t, so what’s the use? So I’ve got all these emotions inside – not tears (yet, anyway). Just a feeling of sadness, as I try to imagine what the coming months will be like. At this point, I just want this to be over with so we can pick up where we will leave off.