A New Supply Of String, Glue & Duct Tape

I had a dream last night that I was falling apart in a million pieces. And when I woke up this morning, I realized it felt like it was more than just a dream. It's as if the glue that has bonded, the string that has supported and the duct tape holding everything together are all coming undone and have lost their power. Perhaps it's only an illusion that I've held it all together, an illusion made fancy with smoke and mirrors.

I realized today that I'd been viewing the upcoming deployment as just another "thing" to face. Like grocery shopping, it has to be done. But no one goes grocery shopping for a year only to come home without groceries. Let's face it, I figured being older meant more maturity and being smart enough to realize that I had to accept this whether or not I liked it. That's still the case but doubt crept in today.

A whole year without him. What if I change? What if he changes? So much could happen, might happen -- and then I stop myself because as my mother would say, we haven't even come to that bridge yet. Why build a mountain when there's not even a mole hill in the way? Why drive myself crazy with all this? Why let doubt creep in when faith is already there? I don't like it when doubt is stronger than faith. Why do we do that to ourselves?

He's been trying to get me to hook up with other wives for company. I keep telling him that if they want to call me, great, but I will not call anyone. I already work full time and my weekends are spent catching up on things that don't get done during the week. Granted, I wish I had already found someplace I wanted to volunteer but I haven't even had time for that. Besides, this deployment just puts me back to where I was a year ago. Living on my own in the Alaskan boondocks, with two cats for company. The only difference this time is that I have a different last name. Oh, and I'm closer to civilization.